“I Prefer Not To” – Adventures in Communication

In my practice as a neuropsychologist in Carmel, Indiana, I work with clients with brain injuries who have forgotten how to communicate, and at Raffle Brain Institute we use cognitive rehabilitation techniques to reteach clients how to get along with others. However, over the years it’s become clear that, really, nobody knows how to communicate well. When couples, friends, or business associates get into arguments, they always remember all the nasty things they said, but no one remembers how the fight started - What was the first thing said?

There is a secret to never, ever having another argument, and it comes from Bartleby the Scrivener, a wonderful short story by Herman Melville (yes, the guy who wrote Moby Dick). In the story, Bartleby stands looking out the window, and when his boss tells him to get back to work, he replies, “I prefer not to.” This turns out to be a powerful, neutral response that can be used any time someone says something that makes you angry or defensive, and your response also prevents the other person from becoming angry or defensive in return. As a consequence, fights or arguments never begin, and relationships improve quickly and dramatically – it truly works.

Image by Volodymyr Hryshchenko

It’s a simple, two-step response:

Statement #1: “I prefer not to respond to what you said…”

Statement #2: “…but I’d be happy to continue talking to you when…”

…And here are number of endings, depending on the circumstances and what was said:

                       “…you can speak to me a quiet voice.”

                       “…you can speak to me without being angry.”

                       “…you can speak to me without saying [insert nasty words].”

                       “…you can speak to me in a professional manner.”

I recommending printing this out and pasting it on a small card that you can keep in your wallet or purse. Then, whenever anyone says something that makes you angry or defensive, you take out the card and calmly read it to the person, if necessary, more than once. This also works as a behavior tool – soon afterward, when you begin the reach for the card, the person will say, “All right, all right, you don’t have to read it again – I’m sorry.”

This is a powerful tool not only for friendships and romantic partners, it also greatly improves your interactions at work. Not only will you build better relationships with business colleagues, you also get, or gain, more respect from bosses and clients – they learn quickly that you will be spoken to only in an appropriate and professional manner. And if they don’t, they’ll know that you’ll reach for that card…